My Last Letter to You

"Ghost" - Indigo Girls

Dear You,

In a few days you and I will officially become history.

You have not been mine for quite sometime, but soon from now you will belong to someone one else. This belonging will be strengthened by strong vows and commitments... and a ring around each of your fingers.

I haven't slept much this week. As usual, thoughts of you keep keeping me awake. I dread Saturday, with all my heart. I dread 5:30. I dread knowing that she is walking down the isle, and you are looking at her like she is the only person that matters in the entire world. And i dread even more the words "I do".

Why am i still here, over two years later, still longing for you? Why can I not fall in love with anyone else? Why can't i rebuild my heart?

I can sit here and type forever about how I wish it was me. That would be time wasted. I will however, take the time to type these words and send them into cyberspace. I hope she is everything you deserve. If she won your heart from me, she must be something special. I hope she gives you everything you've ever wanted. I'm trusting her, with my own life through trusting her with you. Please make him happy, if I can't. Never let your eyes wander, because you have everything. You have our everything.

Most in my position would wish failure on your bond. But I wish you the opposite. If it has to hurt me this much, make it worth it. Love each other like nothing else matters, because nothing else does... I've learned. Treat her like a queen, because yes, she is the only one that matters. She won you.

I wish you nothing but the best Cole, because I still love you more than you will ever know.

Love,

Me

Idol Story

"Chances" - Five for Fighting

American Idol - Registration Day

Well, today was nothing short of crazy. Got to Nashville last night around nine, and most would have decided to go to bed right away (knowing I had to be up at 3:00 the next morning). But no, I really cant remember the last time I was able to fall asleep before 12, or 11:30 at least. So, like the dumb asses we are, Rach and I went out to grab a quick drink to help with the early bed time. One hurricane later, and needless to say I had NO issue falling into a deep sleep. That is, until 2:55 am when my alarm clock started buzzing. Honestly i felt like i had just gone to bed and had taken a brief nap. Ironically, the wake up call i had asked for for 3:00 never came. That pissed me off already. Great start to the day.

We got ready pretty quickly considering we weren't functioning at our... best. But before I knew it i was showered, make up on, hair dried and straightened, and waiting in the lobby for our 4:00 am taxi ride. However, we waited there in the lobby from 3:50 to about 4:20. I was getting a little ticked. Really? Today they decide to be late? So, without debating too much in my head , i grabbed my keys and we headed off in my car (deciding we'd have to suck it up and probably walk blocks and blocks from our distant parking spot). Oh well, I remember thinking. Get all the bad luck out of the way now...

We arrived shortly there after, and to my amazement, easily found a parking spot one block away from the Bridgestone Arena. Fifth st. was blocked off, but I didn't see many people at all. I payed my $7 parking bill for the day (which was rather cheap i thought), and Rachel and I started walking towards the arena, pretty confused at this point. Eventually we did find a rather small crowd around the corner and we took our place in the line of sleepy musicians. It was still dark, and thank god. At least we had a couple hours before the heat set in. We talked to several people who had auditioned in previous years and learned more about the whole process from this day on. We also quickly discovered that our neighbors to the right of the curb were also from Ohio. That's a funny story in itself. But then, I caught a glimpse of somebody else's phone. The time on IT was 4:30 am. Wait, WHAT? lol. After much confusion, I came to find out that my phone was the one with the wrong time, and we had ACTUALLY arrived at 3:50 rather than 4:50, and my alarm had ACTUALLY gone off at 1:55 rather than 2:55, and the taxi or the hotel wake up call had ACTUALLY not been late. Damn it. Oh well... looking on the bright side we were further up in the line, and had we arrived an hour later, we would have been standing in line much longer. But a very early start to the day, I must say.

Standing in that line of talent for what seemed like an eternity made for some GREAT people watching. I watched as different groups of musicians gathered together based on genre. You saw the alternative guitarists rocking out as the sun started to rise. The R&B singers clapping and grooving to beats down the way. The musicians who were "too good" to socialize with the others. And the ones that were too shy to. And then there was me and Rachel, sitting on the curb analyzing everybody else. If I don't advance very far in this competition, the experience itself has been worth it already.

Its funny how musicians size each other up. From an outsider's point of view it may just appear as though were are having friendly conversations. No. When we act excited for each other, we're not. When we ask what are you singing, we don't really care (we're just hoping its a bad choice). When we ask to hear some of the song, we want you to sound bad. Cruel, but all true. So that's what I found humorous about the whole scene. Tons of egotistical musicians crammed into one line and forced to socialize for hours on end. Musicians HATE being around others who are potentially better than them. Fun fact for you.

Other than the people watching, the morning was pretty uneventful. Once the line started moving it progressed pretty quickly. Rachel and I had our wristbands and tickets before we knew it, and we were told to return on Saturday morning. And that's that. The first step of a hopefully long journey to come.

Behind Nature's Own Eyes

"World I Know" - Collective Soul

I feel the need to write tonight. And I have no idea about what. I feel like somethings just on the tip of my tongue begging to come out. So I guess here I will sit, rambling on at eleven o'clock on a Monday evening. Bare with me.

I've started walking in the woods recently. I had forgotten how peaceful and cleansing it is to be surrounded by nothing but nature. I may be able to hear people in the distance on the odd occasion, but for the most part I am completely alone for the entire journey. To be alone with your thoughts is a huge feat in today's world. I sometimes listen to soothing music and reflect. But more often than not, I find myself turning the iPod off (WHATTTTT!!!!???!!!!!) and listening to nature's soundtrack. Birds of all sorts sing and chirp, and frogs from the nearby stream splish and splash. Leaves mysteriously fall to the ground from distant tree tops, and I can hear them as they land. The forest produces music like no other.

I push myself hard for miles, but only because I so look forward to sitting by the stream and taking it all in. Sweat drips down my forehead as I breathe heavily. I sit on a flat rock that stretches out into the water, and I don't think there is a happier place on earth. But today it was especially magnificent. As I sat there resting, I heard twigs faintly snapping. And out from the shadows across the stream came a doe. Is there a more peaceful animal? She obviously didn't know how close she had crept to me, and as soon as she realized I was there her ears perked up and she just stood there staring. I could attribute it to the "deer caught in headlights" analogy, but for some reason it felt like more. She was analyzing me, as if trying to decide if I would hurt her. If only she knew how much I was admiring her, and quite content to do so from a distance and give as much space as she needed. I half expected her to turn and bound away, but she stood there for quite sometime. Eventually she did calmly retreat into the depths of the forest. I never knew a run in with a deer could leave me so speechless. Maybe this meeting is what has been weighing on my mind all evening. The look of potential fear in her eyes that turned to relief has left a permanent mark on me.

How have humans managed to evoke fear in almost every other species? What brought us here, and what can help to take us back?

What I'm Supposed to Do

"Time of My Life" - David Cook

Dreams may be the strongest forces on earth. They may also be the most dangerous. They have the power to create, and just as often destroy human triumph. It is a well-known fact that many dreams ARE out of reach, but what would happen to mankind if all unattainable dreams were abandoned? Do we need these dreams to be pursued in order to keep advancing as a civilization? And if so, when is it okay to give up?

I have been an over achiever all my life, graduating high school with a 4.6 GPA and a $40,000 scholarship to a well respected college. I have spent many a night studying and writing final papers, in the back of my mind settling for nothing less than an A on the assignment at hand. I have been the president of countless clubs including National Honors Society. And in one years time I would have managed to graduate in four years with three degrees. I’ve done everything I’m “supposed” to do. And now, upon graduation, I am faced yet again with a choice: “What I’m supposed to do” v. “What I want to do”.

There is no doubt that my passion is music. And in typing that sentence I have just convinced myself that it is the path I must in the end choose to follow. But everyone knows the uncertainty of it as a career. Musicians are either very well off (in rare cases) or living out of cardboard boxes, so to speak. But I don’t think a true musician can tell the difference, because nothing else matters.

When I am on stage I am at my best. When people listen to me I don’t hesitate to bear my soul. My lyrics are my diary, and the rhythm and melody by which I deliver them tell my story. I’m never as naked as when I am before a crowd with a guitar in hand.

This is what I want to do. I want to play and I want people to listen. But here I am, being handed a company straight out of college. Not many people can say they have this offer on the table. To be set up completely with the tools I need to become a millionaire by the time I’m 26. So here lies my dilemma.

I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do, all my life. I think it may be my turn to live.

May Angels Lead You In

Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World

You were set free. You were carried by the wind and you faded away. You only exist now in my memories and in the shadows of your forest.

Singing for you was fulfilling, but I'll admit also the hardest thing I've ever done. Midway through I wanted to yell for you, and fall to my knees in agony. And here I thought I would be fine and make it through unaffected. I still think of you everyday, yet I thought I had reached acceptance. But I'm learning now that acceptance means nothing. Agreeing that your passing is a reality does little for the soul and calms not one of my raging emotions.

Driving through the mountains without the promise of seeing you on the other side of the range seemed pointless to me for the longest time. Having to make the long drive that once ended in bliss now was torture to me. I guess you knew. Two trips ago i was driving through the smokies, and for some reason had the sudden urge to turn off my AC and roll down every window possible. The smell of the mountains surrounded me, and my mind wandered to distant times. And then I felt you. As if you were sitting in the passenger seat enjoying the mountain air right along with me. I smiled. And I've felt you with me ever since.

I think you have blessed me with the new found happiness I've found in our home state of North Carolina. There is no you, and for that reason it can never be the same. But I feel as if you wanted me to continue to love this land and return frequently if not for you then for myself. I can't stay away now. I'm addicted to the feeling of you driving along with me as I race towards the magnet that again has taken hold of me.